When Your Spouse Tells You They Want a Divorce

Other than the rare occasion where both spouses are on the exact same page when it comes to their separation, you’ll fall into one of two categories: you’re either the ‘Leaver’ – the spouse who initiates the separation process, or the’ Leavee’ – the spouse who the news is broken to.

Being the "Leaver" or the "Leavee"

Leavers usually have the benefit of being able to work up to this stage long before their mates. In fact if you are the one that is considering leaving you have probably been thinking about this for months if not years.

But when you are the Leavee, you may have literally just received this news. And though things have “not been the best” you may have not actually considered, delved into or processed the idea of separating.

This is a prime example of two people being at different stages in the “loss process” while going through the same divorce. Be prepared! Regardless, once you’ve worked through your own steps to acceptance, you’ll be better prepared to move forward with the separation and then ultimately the divorce.

Do "Leavers" Have Second Thoughts?

You shouldn’t be surprised if after the initial fervor and assurance is shattered, you find yourself having second thoughts. It is normal to wake up one day and question what you are doing. This, too, is part of the process.

What If I'm Avoiding Divorce?

If you’re the Leavee, you may be further behind your already disengaged partner and you may not be ready to accept that something has gone terribly wrong.

Denial often also harbors a sense of being overwhelmed. So many things to do. So many changes. How will you cope? The answer is, “One problem at a time.” Of course, with so many changes to initiate or respond to, the first step will be to choose those problems that are the most important.

Make a list and prioritize it.